Our tandem bicycle…

Recently a good friend and I spoke about the rising storm that hit me full force last week – my husband asking me to leave him alone and dissolving our marriage. When in conversation this analogy of a relationship as a tandem bicycle was raised it was the beginning of that storm, so I wasn’t sure what was going to happen… counseling, separation or divorce. Regardless, the conversation and her analogy was appropriate when I do a postmortem on my marriage. 

Imagine you get married and get on a tandem bike. Our bike looked like this – I was the driver, steering the bike. Stephen was the power behind me doing a lot of the pedaling. We went in a direction we were both happy with, pedaling along together. I still steered, he put in a lot of the power that first decade. We hit bumps, but we loved each other and wanted to be on that bike. 

Then he stopped wanting to go where I went. He stopped putting the power into pedaling. He coasted a lot. I would stop and ask — why aren’t you putting more in?  We need to get where we are going!!  He would tell me he would try and pedal harder and he guessed he’d go where I wanted. Truth always was he didn’t want to go where I was pedaling towards… adulthood, responsibilities and financial obligations that lasted 30 years or longer. I was of the mindset that everyone travels this road and got scared because the power behind me was only sporadically there.  Then it would drift off into a fog for the next 10 years. 

Two things about that… I was a big advocate for staying in the fog, since it obscured the pain from feeling alone. It was a false sense of togetherness being in the fog together. But it wasn’t a clear view and honestly it became the reason behind a lot of what we did together. 
Second point was my fear and how that worked. As I got more frightened by pedaling this tandem bike alone I got angry. I was mad that he said he wanted to go in the direction I was steering; I got angrier still at the coasting and the lack of interest in where I was trying to get us to. My anger became everything. Everything. It became me.

Eventually we would stop the bike and threaten to go with separate bikes all together. I was fearful to begin with and this just made the fear paralytic. The only thing I could do is find my anger and wrap it around me. Live it breathe it. I stopped steering and got lost in the fog. Stephen stopped peddling and stayed in the fog, too. 

Now Stephen stopped taking the tandem bike into the “shop” to fix it and wants to go his own way. My fear turned into anger did that. The fog we made for ourselves obscured everything. 

I want back on the bike, but the right way. I want Stephen who is not lost in a fog. I want the Stephen that was pedaling along with me and shouting directions as to where I was steering. My wants aren’t important to him anymore and I will respect that. I don’t know if being together on the tandem bike is possible for us any more. This is where I am now. 

I am slowly replacing the anger and paralysis with kindness and love.  This is where I am going. I’m still scared but it’s what I do about that fear that is the opportunity for growth.