My sadness ebbs and flows, and these last 24 have been overwhelming. Silent tears as I sat in the window just staring.
My mom asked if reconciliation was an option and that made me pause. Yes I want that, of course I do. I love that man with everything I have in me. (Not just having a person of my own, but I love Stephen.)
However, any reconciliation not likely unless I change. I need to approach things differently. I’m still clinging to the fantasies and dreams. Until I have the space to grieve and do a full postmortem there is no possibility of me asking for any consideration.
That also gives Stephen the time to assess things and come to a certain amount of clarity. Last week he was clear that he rejected me and what I brought to the marriage. Will he do the same if I bring something else? If I’m able or forgive myself and him for our past? I don’t know the answer to that and will not in my current state.
In the meantime it’s just one step at a time. One day, one minute, one second. That’s all I can manage right now. Second by second. Tear by silent tear.
The girl who mistook her chair as a pulpit for the soles of her shoes 