One of the most touching and dare I say romantic things Stephen shared with me was his own struggle with the separation and plans he spun up in his head to come to me or contact me in some way. However, I’m glad he did not execute any of these plans. Not for the reasons people told him… for other reasons. My own reasons; the ones that matter to me.
People said to stay away and leave me alone, I had made my choice. That’s not wrong, I did. But it’s not emotionally right. You have to layer in the fear and anger and feelings of abandonment I was struggling through, both hyper-recently and for years. The lack of interest in fixing anything I felt from him, both real and imagined. (Things that are a little more understandable given my anger and frustration.) And then he tells me he wants out — then yes, I did make a choice to go. The choice I made was respect for what Stephen just told me and reflecting my own feelings and factors I’m not thrilled about. Like my unkind ultimatums.
I accept the fact that I also needed to get out from under the fog I was sitting in, stuck and paralyzed to do anything. Desperate and clawing and panicked and scared and alone but totally still. All kinds of feels.
I’m glad Stephen did not execute the romantic gestures and plans he thought up because it allowed us both space alone. I needed to know that I’m going to be ok. (I didn’t know this until he shared it, but I needed to know he would be ok, too.) I needed to know I could be alone and be good, awesome even. And I know the exoskeleton of my life would be solid and safe again. Quickly and with minimal pain. This is one of those things I’ve already touched on. I learned this, I know this now. I’m not giving that knowledge up for anyone ever. Now or in the future.
My gunky emotional innards? That would have taken more time to heal fully. I would though. I am doubtful I’d quickly feel emotionally safe to open up for a new relationship, if I’m honest with my untold mass of followers. (Hi Mom!)
Right now I don’t know how far I have left to go with the gunky parts. Today I’m happy that Stephen is interested in way-finding together.
The girl who mistook her chair as a pulpit for the soles of her shoes 