Fears and tears…

There are still triggers for anger and fear that pop up, but we are both in spots where our reactions to these things are calmer overall.  Dealt with quickly rather than ignored and festering.

A huge piece of continued unease for me comes from the fact that Stephen is remaining friends with Aimee going forward.  So, let’s back up for a moment…

She was a college girlfriend, but mostly his friend by the time I met her and she was nasty and vile to me. (He avoided any conflict, told me she didn’t matter and just let her go her own way versus doing anything about it… see the pattern?) Then she popped back around 10 years later and I was not thrilled.  I shared that this made me very uncomfortable and he ceased contact swiftly saying again that she did not matter.

Then she contacted this summer and shit hit the fan. He started sneaking with frequent secret texts and meetings held behind my back. Flirting heavily on both sides, by his own admission. Nothing stopped until I found out. 

Instead of immediately opening up fully to me about the extent of what happened, there was a week of further revelations.  This emotional affair ended by him telling me he contacted her to say she should leave him alone to focus on his marriage; he deleted all the text exchanges soon as I found them.

Not shockingly — this was a huge, lingering issue that couldn’t be fixed without transparency from him.  My angry and desperate requests for transparency were not met with open arms.  

When he came to meet me in Northern Michigan, he realized full disclosure was appropriate for any meaningful reconciliation. He shared that she “had a dream about him” and contacted him during our separation. She was a major support for him during that time, along with other friends he also mentioned.

So that was one hell of a first hurdle.  Forgive the emotional affair because I understood, yes.  Go forward with her in our relationship?  Um…  not truly comfortable with that one.  

Cue fears and tears.  

But this is not about fear. This is about transparency. So I told him what was hurting.  He got stressed and there was a very tense few moments. The peace we reached was fragile and this might end with him leaving alone. A Christmas visit, final good bye before the process of separation moved to phase two. 

Then he opened up about what he and Aimee talked about in their recent exchanges. Shared some of her personal and painful experiences with marriage that helped him greatly. Per his own admission she was a part of him being there.

I cannot stress enough that full transparency from us both is needed to build anything new. I need to be “involved” as a third party in their friendship. At least until I better understand where the fuck she’s coming from…  and know that she will respect the boundaries I have here. I feel like my trust in his friendship with her is yet to be earned.