Not your confidante, dear…

So the saga of the emotional affair is over and the fall out is done.  I am at point I can live with, a point that is kind.  However, I am not stupid and believe in myself and my relationship. I want to intelligently repair my relationship to a point where it can weather shots taken at it.

I’ve detailed how Aimee had a shadow place in my husbands life, as someone from his past that he had an intimate emotional connection with prior to our relationship beginning. As our connection fell apart these last several years and he pulled away from me, the longing for that connection was felt as she returned to the scene.  Then he picked that up as it was before he met me behind my back and did not tailor that connection to fit his current reality — MARRIED. He broke us, broke me.  Again, if you want to know more, check out the archives on this blog.  

When Stephen arrived at my parents house on Christmas Eve, he had a hand up and was overly cautious.  I was not welcome with open arms at all.  That’s how he is and I have accepted that.  He also came armed with a test — the fact that he again reconnected with Aimee and was not planning to remove that connection for me or our marriage.  Stop.  That’s bullshit, I know. He was wrong, he cannot continue in a wrong manner and be married to me.  I listened to what he shared — why he felt he needed the connection. I accepted his apologies and believed his contrition.  Then I forgave him for what transpired to date. But the testing stops.

What he is coming to understand and accept is the remaining cost that will be paid going forward.  Example…  you want to remain friends with her?  Fine.  However, she is NOT a confidante or a wife or a therapist.  She is a friend only.  Much like other friends, I would expect to know about general conversations and subjects.  Unlike other friends, he agreed to be 100% tranperant about everything to do with her. However, because he shared intimate details about our lives, MY PRIVATE LIFE without my knowledge or consent – that type of sharing will never happen again.  If he wants to share his own personal thoughts and feelings with her, he can.  But he now understands that while those things are his to give, as his wife – they belong to me first, last and always.  

Transparency throughout this particular friendship is the cost.  

I have already spoken about sending her a letter to put her in the very uncomfortable spot she made for herself — the other woman.  I needed to know she understood what she did wrong. She wrote back that she is ashamed of her behavior and excused herself overall from any future friendship.  I am happy she did this, truthfully but I rejected this as an easy way out. I am happier I was able to reach a conclusion with Stephen that he can be friends with her, but he will include me in anything and everything having to do with that friendship for any foreseeable future together.

I’ve always known you keep friends close and enemies closer.