Melancholy mirror.

Something that has made itself known again is an emotional mirror that happens in my relationship. This is something that I am unsure about. It exists, but hinders what I can share with my partner.

Here’s how it works… what I feel is mirrored by Stephen quite openly. For example I felt sad last night for a few reasons. (If I’m happy so is he, it works several ways.) But little things had conspired to take my joy from me and make me feel small and inconsequential. Not a priority in my relationship.

It happens. I’m human.

So I shared this feeling after a nice dinner out and followed by popping by a new pub for a drink before we headed home. As we were heading to the car, me feeling safe and in a good spot, I shared that I was sad about a few things. I trusted that I was safe and a priority. I had no idea it wasn’t really safe.

<<BOOM>>

I had detonated something that told Stephen to be sad about my sadness. My safe place was gone by the time we drove home. What was left was Stephen giving up on everything. His own sorrow was heavy and awful and choked everything. He wasn’t enough for me. What he was doing wasn’t worth anything. All the work he put in to date wasn’t ever going to be enough. This is just more of the same… marriage doesn’t change. It’s never going to be enough for me.

It’s hard to set aside your own needs to focus on someone else’s. Especially when they wipe away all the hard work I’ve done. My need for comfort or reassurance set aside. De-prioritized. I needed to dig deep last night and show Stephen he was good enough. I had to reiterate what I saw him doing daily, what I loved always. All the things I poured into a love letter had to be touched on again for him.

Where does that leave me? I just don’t know. He apologized this morning for being dramatic. But I’m still left feeling like less of a priority and more of a burden to him. That’s not a comfortable spot for me.