If I’m not worth it to him, am I at least worth it to myself?

There are boundaries in every relationship. Sometimes these boundaries can change, both by who erects them and why, and who challenges them. The boundaries set out for me by Stephen can shift depending on moods and circumstances. This can bring insecurity, since generally my coming close to these boundaries is met by him disconnecting and emotionally distancing himself. Disconnecting makes me insecure in my relationship. I feel unstableness in the connection and unstable in the relationship. No complex analytics needed to follow that one.

There are very few topics I would consider safe or free of boundaries that aren’t just ephemeral and light. If they are heavy or have negative (real or perceived) emotions Stephen has said they “just won’t end well for me.” His boundaries are concretely there for me and oh boy – they can be painful to run into.

But my promise to him was to address those boundaries and anything else calmly and with kindness, even if I feel hurt. Not to shriek in anger, pout, hide my face and cry. Not to hold a silent and anger packed grudge for hours, days and sometime longer. Ok I do yell. I have yelled here or there. Just the other day I screamed incoherently in the car out of pure frustration. I’m not perfect, I’ve fucked up some times. But I admit it. Both in the moment (or soon thereafter) and here and now.

So I shared that my boundary shifted Friday and he first exploded at me. It settled after a few hours and some decent and constructive conversation. Then the next morning he woke up at 6:30 was silently angry and me most of the morning. Not overtly pouting or slamming things like the previous afternoon, but he was down overall. He didn’t try to see me and how much I needed his support. How he needed to dig deep in himself to give me what I now need.

So, what I know is this … everything I give to him is welcomely received. Calmness. Kindness. Admitting when I make a mistake as many times as needed. When I ask for the same in return it is not openly given, but met with passive aggressive hostility and sometimes lies.

My question now becomes should I be bound to someone who doesn’t feel the same about me? And should I continue to be patient and wait for him to catch up?

I think he is worth it. Is it worth it to him?