Jenn – The girl who mistook her chair as a pulpit for the soles of her shoes

Valentine’s Day 2019

Today was pretty decent, beginning to end. I told Stephen that I may get him a card and that he shouldn’t feel he had to reciprocate. However we exchanged cards in the morning, worked much of the day (I wasn’t feeling the best so my afternoon was pretty low key). Then we ran a few errands, like Whole Food where I snuck in some chocolate for myself. Then we finished the night at this hole-in-the-wall Vietnamese restaurant up on Argyle street. Finished the evening watching Netflix.

Yep. No candlelight and roses, obligatory gifts and weird expectations. Just Stephen and I doing the crap we do. Another day, but a pretty decent one.

If I’m not worth it to him, am I at least worth it to myself?

There are boundaries in every relationship. Sometimes these boundaries can change, both by who erects them and why, and who challenges them. The boundaries set out for me by Stephen can shift depending on moods and circumstances. This can bring insecurity, since generally my coming close to these boundaries is met by him disconnecting and emotionally distancing himself. Disconnecting makes me insecure in my relationship. I feel unstableness in the connection and unstable in the relationship. No complex analytics needed to follow that one.

There are very few topics I would consider safe or free of boundaries that aren’t just ephemeral and light. If they are heavy or have negative (real or perceived) emotions Stephen has said they “just won’t end well for me.” His boundaries are concretely there for me and oh boy – they can be painful to run into.

But my promise to him was to address those boundaries and anything else calmly and with kindness, even if I feel hurt. Not to shriek in anger, pout, hide my face and cry. Not to hold a silent and anger packed grudge for hours, days and sometime longer. Ok I do yell. I have yelled here or there. Just the other day I screamed incoherently in the car out of pure frustration. I’m not perfect, I’ve fucked up some times. But I admit it. Both in the moment (or soon thereafter) and here and now.

So I shared that my boundary shifted Friday and he first exploded at me. It settled after a few hours and some decent and constructive conversation. Then the next morning he woke up at 6:30 was silently angry and me most of the morning. Not overtly pouting or slamming things like the previous afternoon, but he was down overall. He didn’t try to see me and how much I needed his support. How he needed to dig deep in himself to give me what I now need.

So, what I know is this … everything I give to him is welcomely received. Calmness. Kindness. Admitting when I make a mistake as many times as needed. When I ask for the same in return it is not openly given, but met with passive aggressive hostility and sometimes lies.

My question now becomes should I be bound to someone who doesn’t feel the same about me? And should I continue to be patient and wait for him to catch up?

I think he is worth it. Is it worth it to him?

Love and know thyself…

I’ve been thinking a lot about my expectations and needs around emotional support… but I’m trying to do this thinking with more transparency. Transparency between my partner and myself. Doesn’t always work when any need for emotional support that I bring up is met with “old marriage” bias by my partner.

I need someone interested in building something that can weather storms and be flexible to last a lifetime. Not something that’s a mask we put on for ourselves and others. I want the ugly. I want the beautiful. I want the painful. I want the joyous. I want it all.

I want my partner to want the same. If he doesn’t… then it really doesn’t matter what I want, does it?

The work.

I have not been writing much and therefore sharing anything at all. I’ve made a few posts… thought about how I felt and reread them only to find I wasn’t interested in sharing after all. Why? I felt like where I was when I wrote them had shifted. Everything continues to shift lately. That’s a really good thing, since the place they’ve shifted to is one of contentedness. And I’ve shared that the place of contentment isn’t always a place I can write from so nothing flows easily.

But I’m content now and sitting down to pick apart where that’s coming from. It’s from the work. The work is something I do a lot of.

What is the work? Its something that takes a great deal of effort some days, and none others. It’s as easy or as hard as you make it… but if the work is around a relationship then it’s as easy or as hard as you BOTH make it. It’s changing your perspective; it’s looking at a problem or situation from every possible angle, not just the one most comfortable to you. (Often that’s the delicious negative one we all like to cling to!). It’s about choosing a path that’s constructive, not destructive.

The work is hard to do on your own and almost Herculean if you’re doing it in the face of a destructive partner. That has happened here and there, but thankfully it’s not the norm. It’s an outlier. A destructive, nasty, insecurity inducing outlier.

After one particular situation where Stephen was destructive or really more insecure in his own way, as I saw it — I explained the work. I shared that it took a lot for me to view things in a positive way in the face of his destructiveness. I explained that what I drew upon were all the positive things that outweighed the immediate situation before me. I had to draw those memories around me like a blanket to change my view. I had to hold one after the other like a talisman. Examine each moment where I knew he loved me and showed that overtly. Each of those things added up to allow me a fresh perspective on his bullshit. I was able to see it as just that — bullshit. This is the work. It’s hard AF.

The downside is that every time you use a talisman you weaken it; you need to find fresh moments, strong in the memory of love and not worn thin over time. This is part of his work. Showing me these things overtly and without question.

Faith is not tangible.

I’ve been asked to have faith. Now if you know me at all then you probably know I’ve got faith in very few things. I’ve been a vocal atheist since I was 12… I’m doubtful about anything really. A born skeptic. Faith is something odd and foreign to me. But here I am being asked to have it.

Recently I had to ask for faith from Stephen. But I asked for it with trust as the basis. I wonder the difference aloud. I asked him what he felt the difference was between the two concepts — faith and trust. He said to him they were one in the same. But we both were bothered by the question overall.

He turned to the internet for the crowdsourced definitions of each. Turned out that my unease at faith was well founded. Trust was a more solid construct that humans understand with evidence and examples. Interactions with the world builds your trust in what you can know. While faith is rooted in yourself alone; it’s based on what you cannot know.

My ask for trust meant that I was able to provide evidence of my feelings and beliefs. His ask for faith actually meant trust in the broader, defined terms.

The crowdsourced definitions helped the two of us understand each other and what we were looking for here. We both wanted trust from each other.

Faith be damned.

6:30 a.m.

There’s a moment first thing in the morning when I wake up and I know nothing. No memories or expectations for the day. Just me as I am. Waking up. This morning at 6:45 the first bit of awareness I had as I came online was of Stephen. He was there next to me and warm and cuddling into me. That was all I knew for a few moments. It was really nice. I was happy.

Here at the end of my day, I’m still happy.

Anatomy of insecurity…

So… I have mentioned here and a few times that I do not feel very solid in my relationship. I feel as if the place I occupy is tenuous, at best. I’ve shared this with Stephen a few times to his immediate dismissal. He acted as if that was the end of that. Dismissed.

He was bored at work yesterday and initiated a text exchange with Aimee, like much of last week. Almost daily text exchanges, it would seem. He told me about it when he got home, after the exchanges took place.

Now last week I asked for immediate transparency. I was hurt when he told me well after the interaction and that even though he was in the office, I really did want to be ‘in the know’ about this type of exchange as soon as possible. I explained things were fresh and we needed to build trust on this point; he understood and agreed to have a sense of immediacy.

Back to last night… I felt a touch betrayed by the fact that his understanding of immediacy was now different from just last week. I was also concerned that almost daily text exchanges were well outside of how he typically interacts with friends and family. I shared these concerns. He got annoyed.

So here we both were – me feeling unsure of my place around Aimee and him feeling annoyed and probably angry. He decides – fuck it, and decided to go on a walk. He asked me if I’d like to join him… I say ok, since I think we have some things to work out and talk about. He goes to the store and buys smokes. He smokes one, walking along and saying little. (I’m not saying much, either…)

We get to the park and he jumps up on a ledge and starts walking along. I asked him to please get down and wait two beats. He doesn’t, so I thought – I don’t need to be scared he will injure himself, too. I should just go home. Queue more arguing. Phone thrown across the park — as if that is the root of his relationship with Aimee. I saw it as a temper tantrum.

I walked home. I’m feeling like I want to self-destruct, too and words about being worthless and not a priority to him circle my head. I get back to the house and decide the same as him – fuck it. I head to the car and text my mom, who had asked how things were going earlier that day. I tried to call her back, but she was already asleep… I sat in the car and thought about how screwed up everything got in just a few hours.

I also recalled that in an exchange with Aimee we spoke about transparency. I decided that she was due the knowledge of how this friendship was exceeding the bounds I was comfortable with; I texted her. I admitted she was an unwitting participant in something that made me uncomfortable, but it was important for me to share where I was at with things. I then stopped my self-destruct meltdown and went home and painted. Focused on things that brought me a modicum of happiness, accomplishment.

Enter Stephen’s return… suffice to say, and in the interest of readers everywhere, I’ll summarize. He was annoyed, then pissed WAY off that I had over stepped my bounds by texting Aimee. Queue drinking on his part, on an empty stomach no less. I apologized for making him uncomfortable by sharing the issue I had with her, despite having agreement from her that this was fine and expected. We spoke about it a bit more, he seemed to calm down. A few more misunderstandings whereby he assumed the worst about me and my actions. I had to be patient and explain where I was coming from; I tried very hard to not show insult at how he views me. But damn it hurt.

Then he walked the dogs, smoked more and fell into bed after asking me several times if I was awake. I was drifting off, but got woken up by the frequency of the inquiry. I asked if he needed to talk to me, if that was why he incessantly asked about my state of sleep. Nope, just curious.

Since I was now awake I shared what I was feeling with him. I felt spent. I felt my love was abused, taken for granted. My understanding and forgiveness not met in kind but assumed wholly for him alone. I was making sacrifices that were taken and again – unmet in any way. This is not how I see a relationship I wanted to be a part of. I want kindness. He said in his drunken state that he really loved me. He understood what I was saying and agreed. He said I was very wise.

Then he woke up and told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. Again.

Contentment is fickle.

So the other day I wrote about going to yoga and feeling rather content with what was happening in my life overall. That was a nice Friday, followed by a insanely productive Saturday morning and afternoon. The evening imploded in itself a bit only due to lack of motivation to maintain the breakneck pace set throughout the day. My couch called my name and I answered.

Then I woke up in a funk of Sunday morning. It’s now Sunday evening and I’m ready to just go to bed. I went to yoga, napped, listened to a podcast series Stephen was exposed to recently, grocery shopped and we cooked dinner. Decent day on paper. However the actual day was just ick. Can’t point to how or why but everything has felt off. I am tired, exhausted even.

This has screwed up my contentment. It took my momentum right out from under me. I’m not feeling solid about anything. I’m feeling like I want to take to my bed by 9 pm and try to start over again tomorrow.

Observations

I write more when I’m hurting or processing pain. Growth comes from that pain so I think this observation makes sense. However, do I become complacent if I’m content? What growth does contentment bring?

Contentment brings routines, structure to my hours and days. Starting habits I only whined about either not having motivation to do or truthfully never really wanted to do. Like exercising.

I went to yoga class last night. First thought after was “where is my bed and how soon can I go to sleep?” But instead we hopped in the car to head off to a neighborhood we are looking at real estate in. Once there, we stopped at a ramen shop, walked around the ‘hood and generally had a good time.

Contentment doesn’t bring me the massive upheavals that a lot of my personal growth so far has rested on. It needed to rest on that, else the upheavals would drown me. I had the choice of get up and grow or stay down and die. (Dramatic, I know.)

Contentment is a new space to explore and use.

So another habit that I don’t want to fall by the wayside is writing. Sharing thoughts on this new spot I’ve found myself in; figuring out how to move forward in a long term marriage that is not as solid as we thought. Working through issues as they arise so we don’t end up with a mass of resentments and fears. Secure and safe and supported and maybe… content.

Melancholy mirror.

Something that has made itself known again is an emotional mirror that happens in my relationship. This is something that I am unsure about. It exists, but hinders what I can share with my partner.

Here’s how it works… what I feel is mirrored by Stephen quite openly. For example I felt sad last night for a few reasons. (If I’m happy so is he, it works several ways.) But little things had conspired to take my joy from me and make me feel small and inconsequential. Not a priority in my relationship.

It happens. I’m human.

So I shared this feeling after a nice dinner out and followed by popping by a new pub for a drink before we headed home. As we were heading to the car, me feeling safe and in a good spot, I shared that I was sad about a few things. I trusted that I was safe and a priority. I had no idea it wasn’t really safe.

<<BOOM>>

I had detonated something that told Stephen to be sad about my sadness. My safe place was gone by the time we drove home. What was left was Stephen giving up on everything. His own sorrow was heavy and awful and choked everything. He wasn’t enough for me. What he was doing wasn’t worth anything. All the work he put in to date wasn’t ever going to be enough. This is just more of the same… marriage doesn’t change. It’s never going to be enough for me.

It’s hard to set aside your own needs to focus on someone else’s. Especially when they wipe away all the hard work I’ve done. My need for comfort or reassurance set aside. De-prioritized. I needed to dig deep last night and show Stephen he was good enough. I had to reiterate what I saw him doing daily, what I loved always. All the things I poured into a love letter had to be touched on again for him.

Where does that leave me? I just don’t know. He apologized this morning for being dramatic. But I’m still left feeling like less of a priority and more of a burden to him. That’s not a comfortable spot for me.

Not your confidante, dear…

So the saga of the emotional affair is over and the fall out is done. I am at point I can live with, a point that is kind. However, I am not stupid and believe in myself and my relationship. I want to intelligently repair my relationship to a point where it can weather shots taken at it.

I’ve detailed how Aimee had a shadow place in my husbands life, as someone from his past that he had an intimate emotional connection with prior to our relationship beginning. As our connection fell apart these last several years and he pulled away from me, the longing for that connection was felt as she returned to the scene. Then he picked that up as it was before he met me behind my back and did not tailor that connection to fit his current reality — MARRIED. He broke us, broke me. Again, if you want to know more, check out the archives on this blog.

Learning to emotionally surf tricky waves has always been the goal.

When Stephen arrived at my parents house on Christmas Eve, he had a hand up and was overly cautious. I was not welcome with open arms at all. That’s how he is and I have accepted that. He also came armed with a test — the fact that he again reconnected with Aimee and was not planning to remove that connection for me or our marriage. Stop. That’s bullshit, I know. He was wrong, he cannot continue in a wrong manner and be married to me. I listened to what he shared — why he felt he needed the connection. I accepted his apologies and believed his contrition. Then I forgave him for what transpired to date. But the testing stops.

What he is coming to understand and accept is the remaining cost that will be paid going forward. Example… you want to remain friends with her? Fine. However, she is NOT a confidante or a wife or a therapist. She is a friend only. Much like other friends, I would expect to know about general conversations and subjects. Unlike other friends, he agreed to be 100% tranperant about everything to do with her. However, because he shared intimate details about our lives, MY PRIVATE LIFE without my knowledge or consent – that type of sharing will never happen again. If he wants to share his own personal thoughts and feelings with her, he can. But he now understands that while those things are his to give, as his wife – they belong to me first, last and always.

Transparency throughout this particular friendship is the cost.

I have already spoken about sending her a letter to put her in the very uncomfortable spot she made for herself — the other woman. I needed to know she understood what she did wrong. She wrote back that she is ashamed of her behavior and excused herself overall from any future friendship. I am happy she did this, truthfully but I rejected this as an easy way out. I am happier I was able to reach a conclusion with Stephen that he can be friends with her, but he will include me in anything and everything having to do with that friendship for any foreseeable future together.

I’ve always known you keep friends close and enemies closer.

Repairs…

Slow down, hard work ahead.

It’s New Year’s Day and I am thinking about the road ahead, like many people. However, I’ve been preparing for that road for a while now, so maybe I have a head start. I’d like to think I do, but given there’s no real end to things it may not make a bit of difference. So what does the road ahead entail? Kindness — that’s my battle cry.

Stephen realized the impact our separation had on my immediate family recently in a conversation we had about it. He’s planned on how to repair and move forward in a productive way for him and I applauded that.

However, that raises the possibility for repairs needed with his family, those members he is open with about things personal to him. Given that his closest sister was an advocate for him being out of the relationship with me, is there repair needed there? I don’t know; something to ponder. What I did by leaving him was done at his request. I don’t know if there’s anything I should do except to leave that as a decision I made in kindness and not look back with the “what if” or “what else” perspective. I’ve made the best peace I can with the other members of his immediate family.

No one said this road would be easy. There’s continuous road work ahead and no end of construction season. As pot holes and break downs happening along the way — I will deal with them. No advanced work can be done for something unexpectedly requiring repair.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable, best I can do.

Happy New Year

As we close out the calendar year, I can honestly say that I am looking forward to having 2018 over with.

The 2019 agenda looks bright and I’m happy with where things are heading.

I hope the same for anyone who reads this…

What to do when you don’t want to do?

I’m not feeling well. I’ve picked up a cold that will move on shortly, but it’s here now. My head is stuffed up and my sinuses are irritated. I’m laying in bed writing and putzing online… and I stopped for a moment and actively thought about what I should do next. Go online and shop or read blogs or Facebook? Take a shower and get that out of the way? These two things suddenly represented a lot more than what I was thinking immediately.

Do I want to lounge around and be ill? This is not an issue, I can do that. However, I did that Friday and I don’t really think my body needs that, if I’m honest. My emotional state took a hit, too but that’s not exactly the full story there. I do think lounging is a great way to kill time.

However, if I get my ass out of bed, shower and get dressed I can still find time to putz online later – no worries there. The bed isn’t going anywhere, too. I can always lay back down if I need to. But it’s something done, productive.

So the choice is stay down, or get up? Guess that means I’m done here and off to shower.

Love letter to my parents…

M&D – I want to take a moment to acknowledge and appreciate your love and support this holiday. I know you’ve told me a thousand times that I shouldn’t feel guilty or apologize, so this is not about that. It’s about sharing the love you freely gave me, give me over and over. Without pause or rebuke, ever.

You ask me to be smart, but that’s become the voice in my head. Nothing wrong with that voice, it’s intuition. Other people smarter that me have said that the voice in your head comes from our parents; to deny that is to dismantle the wisdom you’ve been given. Everything holds wisdom if you look hard enough, right? Good, bad and every moment in between can be our teachers if we let them.

But yes — I am being smart, can’t help it. I’ve always been smart. Sometimes too smart for the rest of the world to catch up to me. This is where the patience I’m working on comes in. Patience and understanding are two other gifts you’ve given me. Thank you. Those gifts bring so much kindness attached that you can’t help but put that kindness back out into the world.

I love you both. I wouldn’t be me without each of you, and you both know that’s true as hell.

I cannot make people smarter…

I don’t have a super power to make people smart, or make them grow, or make anyone do anything if I am honest. I have the power to do all those things for myself. I can grow and become a stronger person. I can show that to the world, and maybe fulfill my goal since childhood – to be an inspiration to someone. Any one person.

But that’s not certain; I cannot guarantee I will inspire. The only certainty you get is you are born and you will die. What you get in between is not up to you, in most cases. The sooner you understand this in life, the better off you’ll be.

Here’s a real kicker though… learning it once is not enough. You learn this same damned lesson over and over, if you’re lucky enough to. Or you ignore it and try to make things kowtow to you. Find a guarantee, wait for something sure. (Godot, is that you?) That won’t work and won’t teach you much beyond how to fail. Mind you, failing is not a lesson to disregard, but it’s painful and hard to do, too and most people don’t use it as a lesson.

When you start to see that things, people, dogs (!!) don’t bow to your will you’re a bit lighter. The way to inform the world about what you really need is to give that to the world. Yep. Complicatedly simple, right? Not if you don’t know what you need, there is work to be done to get to that simple point.

So what does that mean in practice? To me, today it means I give my love to my husband. Show him what I have and see what he responds with. Will it be in kind? Will he simply take? I don’t control that, there’s no certainty. What I can be certain about is me, my actions and what that can teach me.

Calm, cool and collected…

Today has been tough. I’ve got a cold and my head is stuffed up. I also have a splitting headache. Light hurts, sound is unbearable.

I’m down physically. This brings me down emotionally. Mind and body conspiring against my recent balance and purpose. Those are still around but buried under snot and insecurities. Yeah, that’s pretty much where I’ve spent today.

So if I follow my analogy here, I have to dig deep in snot to find myself calm, cool, and collected. I need help sometimes when things get this tough and I conspire against myself.

This is where my partner comes in handy.

Absolutely. Best wishes.

Sometimes doing what you think is best feels really bad. It’s hard to face doing things that are difficult. I know what I want long term and I’m able to visualize the best outcomes coming from all this work. It’s the actual climbing of the mountains in between your current state and the potential outcomes that are difficult. Challenging is not strong enough of a sentiment.

That’s a whole lot of nonsense I’ve written right there, eh?

Practical application is this… I wrote a letter to the “other woman” involved in my husbands emotional affair. I told her exactly why she was persona non grata for years, how her behavior was seen and how it impacted us. It was a bit of a smack down, yes. I can honestly admit that to my readers here, my husband and most important — myself.

I wrote it as an exercise to purge the events in chronological order, organizing my thoughts around these events. Then I sat on it. I read it aloud to Stephen, first draft. Sent him an email copy of the second draft. Then shared how the final draft looked after I sent it. He saw the whole process. Transparency was important here.

I just pulled the trigger today and emailed her. Something that took me forever to write, to refine to just the right tone and words. I got three words back. “Absolutely. Best wishes.”

Fears and tears…

There are still triggers for anger and fear that pop up, but we are both in spots where our reactions to these things are calmer overall. Dealt with quickly rather than ignored and festering.

A huge piece of continued unease for me comes from the fact that Stephen is remaining friends with Aimee going forward. So, let’s back up for a moment…

She was a college girlfriend, but mostly his friend by the time I met her and she was nasty and vile to me. (He avoided any conflict, told me she didn’t matter and just let her go her own way versus doing anything about it… see the pattern?) Then she popped back around 10 years later and I was not thrilled. I shared that this made me very uncomfortable and he ceased contact swiftly saying again that she did not matter.

Then she contacted this summer and shit hit the fan. He started sneaking with frequent secret texts and meetings held behind my back. Flirting heavily on both sides, by his own admission. Nothing stopped until I found out.

Instead of immediately opening up fully to me about the extent of what happened, there was a week of further revelations. This emotional affair ended by him telling me he contacted her to say she should leave him alone to focus on his marriage; he deleted all the text exchanges soon as I found them.

Not shockingly — this was a huge, lingering issue that couldn’t be fixed without transparency from him. My angry and desperate requests for transparency were not met with open arms.

When he came to meet me in Northern Michigan, he realized full disclosure was appropriate for any meaningful reconciliation. He shared that she “had a dream about him” and contacted him during our separation. She was a major support for him during that time, along with other friends he also mentioned.

So that was one hell of a first hurdle. Forgive the emotional affair because I understood, yes. Go forward with her in our relationship? Um… not truly comfortable with that one.

Cue fears and tears.

But this is not about fear. This is about transparency. So I told him what was hurting. He got stressed and there was a very tense few moments. The peace we reached was fragile and this might end with him leaving alone. A Christmas visit, final good bye before the process of separation moved to phase two.

Then he opened up about what he and Aimee talked about in their recent exchanges. Shared some of her personal and painful experiences with marriage that helped him greatly. Per his own admission she was a part of him being there.

I cannot stress enough that full transparency from us both is needed to build anything new. I need to be “involved” as a third party in their friendship. At least until I better understand where the fuck she’s coming from… and know that she will respect the boundaries I have here. I feel like my trust in his friendship with her is yet to be earned.

Reconciliation ain’t for wusses…

This is not easy, yet it’s easier than I expected in many ways. The easy parts are all coming from the sense of peace and direction I’ve been able to eek out for myself. It’s easy because it doesn’t change no matter the weather, the turbulence I run into. It could, but a strong sense of purpose for myself is instrumental in my self direction.

We are both struggling here or there, but have a clear purpose together. There are some major things we need to break down and rebuild. But both being committed to each other, and each other’s wellbeing is a good place to land.

Have a merry Christmas…

Masks are useful… and terrible.

Something I encountered as I started to open up with friends and family was a level of incredulousness at the fact that Stephen and I were not the perfect couple. We had masks we wore and we played our part for others very well. Too well.

But something was rotten in the state of Denmark.

Holding a facade together with such tightness and skill took a lot from both of us. I’m sure he would agree. But the work we put into keeping up the facade took so much energy that there was little left to fix the foundational issues. What was left was the artifices of a relationship.

A while back, Stephen expressed interest in putting work in fixing the facade as a priority. I was interested in putting in the work to the foundation only. We were at cross purposes entirely, both righteous and looking out for what we thought was best.

Turns out we needed to demolish the whole damned structure; maybe now we pull out anything salvageable. Then we decide if we want to rebuild something all together new, and if we include the salvaged pieces from the last 21 years. I think and believe that’s the right path forward.

Apple cake.

I feel a bit awful right now. My mom and I spent Friday morning making my husband his favorite childhood dessert. (She made it and taught me as she went through it so I could make it at home going forward.) It’s the only dessert he ever wants and ours has been sitting in the fridge waiting for him to arrive.

Stephen is visiting family, specifically his parents right now while I’m in Northern Michigan. Guess what his mother is making him? Apple cake cupcakes. FML.

So much for any surprise I’ve been mentioning to him in text these last few days. Oh well.

What other people think of you is none of your damned business…

My mother-in-law cannot stand me and I’m fine with that. One of my sister-in-laws follows suit and there’s a part of me that finds that better than fine, gleeful at her dislike comes to mind. But that’s not kind, so apologies to my readership. Let’s just set her aside, she’s irrelevant really.

The dislike from my mother-in-law started when I first met Stephen over 20 years ago. A series of events, telling outright lies about my relationship with Stephen and passive aggressive scuffles over years — all underpinned with continuous resentment at “taking her son away” — made for super fun times together with his family. I could write things about her behavior that would make most people’s toes curl. (I’ve horrified people with her exploits, trust me.)

But she is not my problem to solve. It is her responsibility to deal with her feelings and results from her actions. If she wants to stew and lie and share intimate details her son opened up to her about, she can and has proven she will.

My feelings for her now are simply that she’s the mother of my husband and he is welcome to bring whatever he would like from his family dynamics to his and my future relationship. I have always brought things from my family to our relationship. Some he may have even found annoying to deal with, I bet.

If he were close to her, I would deal with her blatant disrespect more. I would have to, it’s just who I am. But as it stands, she hadn’t been a frequent issue except to occasionally highlight that Stephen would let the disrespect to his wife stand, but he avoids conflict at every turn. This is not a new action or isolated issue. He does that. I love him, faults and all.

I would stand up for myself if I needed to at this point in my life, no worries there. I’m not a 22 year old who is trying to make my way in a new relationship or marriage. I’m solid in who I am and in what bullshit I’ll put up with from anyone.

The concern and reason for open contemplation here is the burden Stephen feels from the strife and the toll it’s taken on our relationship. I’ve been vocal about how her disrespect hurt me over the years, how I could not believe someone of her age and a mother would behave in such a ridiculous and immature manner. That’s not something he needs added to his own plate by me. It’s his mother – so how he deals with it is up to him.

But since he shared our separation with her, things are heating up for him. Throw in contemplating reconciliation and she’s not going to go quietly. She’s also not going to be happy overall and possibly in the future with me there. Unfortunately Stephen will have to deal with most of the fall out on that end.

My empathy goes out to him, but my actions are to remain calm and out of it. Unless he needs and asks for my help. Or a shoulder to lean on. Whatever. Those things I will give freely and kindly.

Exoskeletons, romantic gestures and opinions…

One of the most touching and dare I say romantic things Stephen shared with me was his own struggle with the separation and plans he spun up in his head to come to me or contact me in some way. However, I’m glad he did not execute any of these plans. Not for the reasons people told him… for other reasons. My own reasons; the ones that matter to me.

People said to stay away and leave me alone, I had made my choice. That’s not wrong, I did. But it’s not emotionally right. You have to layer in the fear and anger and feelings of abandonment I was struggling through, both hyper-recently and for years. The lack of interest in fixing anything I felt from him, both real and imagined. (Things that are a little more understandable given my anger and frustration.) And then he tells me he wants out — then yes, I did make a choice to go. The choice I made was respect for what Stephen just told me and reflecting my own feelings and factors I’m not thrilled about. Like my unkind ultimatums.

I accept the fact that I also needed to get out from under the fog I was sitting in, stuck and paralyzed to do anything. Desperate and clawing and panicked and scared and alone but totally still. All kinds of feels.

I’m glad Stephen did not execute the romantic gestures and plans he thought up because it allowed us both space alone. I needed to know that I’m going to be ok. (I didn’t know this until he shared it, but I needed to know he would be ok, too.) I needed to know I could be alone and be good, awesome even. And I know the exoskeleton of my life would be solid and safe again. Quickly and with minimal pain. This is one of those things I’ve already touched on. I learned this, I know this now. I’m not giving that knowledge up for anyone ever. Now or in the future.

My gunky emotional innards? That would have taken more time to heal fully. I would though. I am doubtful I’d quickly feel emotionally safe to open up for a new relationship, if I’m honest with my untold mass of followers. (Hi Mom!)

Right now I don’t know how far I have left to go with the gunky parts. Today I’m happy that Stephen is interested in way-finding together.

Date and time; longitude and latitude.

There are a few recent dates that haven’t receded from my head and I’m working on getting out. I don’t need these anniversaries clogging my head and reminding me of what kicked off this sequence of events that brought me to writing out loud. (I’m mainly trying to focus on the road in front of me.)

So let’s purge…

October 22 was the date I found my husband’s affair. We had been fighting and thinking about ending the relationship seriously for several weeks already. But on that date I broke apart and lost something of myself. Something I gave him 24 years ago and he crushed willingly and knowingly. It was followed by a week of pacification and lies about his actions in the affair, taking further toll on my fragile state and amping up my fears to record heights.

December 13 was the date Stephen told me he didn’t want to be with me. He exercised the opt-out function of our relationship that had been in place for those 24 years. (I had asked that this be done before any type of affair was even contemplated, but that’s not how things unfolded.) I didn’t think I had anything else to break but I did. I was decimated. I crashed. I was done.

Life as I knew it was over. In fact, it still is.

This was followed by me leaving Chicago for Northern Michigan and the first time I started to be kind to myself. I was able to understand what led to the above actions and forgive a lot — but how I’ll deal internally with these anniversaries remains to be seen.

Time is my friend in this. I think, I don’t know for certain. But it’s also the enemy with its dates and record. How to reach an accord in my own mind is the work to be done.

Forgiveness and understanding are vital to whatever comes next.

Dogs… everyone’s best friend.

: Not a picture of Franki, but true none the less.

My parents have a ridiculously sweet 18 month old corgi pup named Franki. Of course over the last week I’ve given her several nick names. Franki Beans, Frank and Beans, Frankenbeans, Frank, Francis, Francine, Ham-hock, Rump Roast…

She’s been a very welcome addition to the family and good companion. She’ll even sleep in my bed with me… if my parents aren’t home. (She know her people.) But she’s warming up to me and loves to play. She also loves to cuddle, or what she considers cuddling. It’s mostly just laying on you slightly awkwardly or maybe up in your face. Oh, and she will only do that when she feels affectionate. Don’t pet her when she’s cuddling — she’ll take off. Even though young, she knows her corgi mind and what she likes and dislikes.

Bottom line? I like her; she’s a sweet dog and another bright spot I’ve found. (She just won’t play nice for my camera because she must not like paparazzi!)

What does he want from all this?

One of my open, and probably unanswerable questions I have to face is the uncertainty of what Stephen will do differently. That’s something I can’t answer. I shouldn’t even try.

That scares me.

But I have to be brave in the face of fear. I can’t turn to anger, my closest companion and friend of fear. Stephen should be my companion. I am brave and I am kind. I think this will have to be enough for now. One day at a time.

U-turns are legal in Illinois unless directly posted.

So, a bit of a u-turn seems to be happening. I’m heading back to Chicago come Christmas. After speaking with Stephen a few times now, we both think things are at a point where trying again could be the right answer for us both. However, I am taking the reentry slowly and advise him to do the same. Why? Because the independence gained recently is fragile. I’m still working through things, big things. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop.

Things like – what are you going to do differently today and tomorrow? Well, that’s not something I can tell anyone in advance, only when a situation needing a different solution or perspective arises. I can’t tell you RIGHT NOW how I will react to something that may have caused my anger in the future. But I can promise myself that I will always remember what anger does to me… and to my relationship. I can be angry, I know I will be angry at points to come, but I need to pause and think when it shows up. That’s what’s right for me. Stephen can only benefit from that, I believe.

Right now I can take time to think through what I want to bring back to Chicago. I can pick up a few of those plates I was thinking about spinning alone on poles and make sure I know what they are really about. I can assess my priorities (or plates in the analogy) and how to share those in a collaborative way with Stephen. Respectful and taking his opinion into account. A point of concern for me is how to get his opinion. Maybe that’s something to collaborate on, too.

I know I can survive. Next up? How to fucking thrive!

You can’t unlearn something.

Strange and beautiful lily from Cha-am, Thailand

So I spoke with Stephen for over 2 hours and we agreed we both still loved each other. We were also both adamant that things need to be very different for any relationship between the two of us to work. Change is needed on both sides.

My focus is on what I need for me to be happy in a relationship. I need to be involved and accountable for areas I had left solely to him for care and maintenance. I also want to find a new home and focus on that as a near term goal. (Both things that would happen for me in or out of any relationship.)

Something that seemed to cause him lingering concern was the fact that he’d arrived at a spot where he felt ok with being alone. He shared that he struggled with his decision for a while. Thankfully he had support from friends and family and got to a place where he was ok. So then I come along and upset that apple cart. And shit, who knows if I really mean what I say! I’m known for having a way with articulating my points and making this sound simple. All very valid concerns he shared.

All I can say is I’m glad this happened.

Glad for living with pain and suffering I’ve dragged out here for the world to see? Glad I dropped everything and focused on my own growth? Yep. I’m ecstatic that I am ok with being alone. I’m also very happy that Stephen feels that way, too. You can’t unlearn that you can survive.

I also learned that my family and friends care so much about me. I have people that will thrown down to help me up. I have neglected these ties or only put work in when I was needed. What an amazing bit of knowledge to have that people are there and that I can nurture those relationships in both directions.

These are things you can only learn through this awful process of separation. And that’s a gift we’ve given ourselves and maybe even each other. Merry Christmas!