reconciliation – The girl who mistook her chair as a pulpit for the soles of her shoes

Valentine’s Day 2019

Today was pretty decent, beginning to end. I told Stephen that I may get him a card and that he shouldn’t feel he had to reciprocate. However we exchanged cards in the morning, worked much of the day (I wasn’t feeling the best so my afternoon was pretty low key). Then we ran a few errands, like Whole Food where I snuck in some chocolate for myself. Then we finished the night at this hole-in-the-wall Vietnamese restaurant up on Argyle street. Finished the evening watching Netflix.

Yep. No candlelight and roses, obligatory gifts and weird expectations. Just Stephen and I doing the crap we do. Another day, but a pretty decent one.

Love and know thyself…

I’ve been thinking a lot about my expectations and needs around emotional support… but I’m trying to do this thinking with more transparency. Transparency between my partner and myself. Doesn’t always work when any need for emotional support that I bring up is met with “old marriage” bias by my partner.

I need someone interested in building something that can weather storms and be flexible to last a lifetime. Not something that’s a mask we put on for ourselves and others. I want the ugly. I want the beautiful. I want the painful. I want the joyous. I want it all.

I want my partner to want the same. If he doesn’t… then it really doesn’t matter what I want, does it?

The work.

I have not been writing much and therefore sharing anything at all. I’ve made a few posts… thought about how I felt and reread them only to find I wasn’t interested in sharing after all. Why? I felt like where I was when I wrote them had shifted. Everything continues to shift lately. That’s a really good thing, since the place they’ve shifted to is one of contentedness. And I’ve shared that the place of contentment isn’t always a place I can write from so nothing flows easily.

But I’m content now and sitting down to pick apart where that’s coming from. It’s from the work. The work is something I do a lot of.

What is the work? Its something that takes a great deal of effort some days, and none others. It’s as easy or as hard as you make it… but if the work is around a relationship then it’s as easy or as hard as you BOTH make it. It’s changing your perspective; it’s looking at a problem or situation from every possible angle, not just the one most comfortable to you. (Often that’s the delicious negative one we all like to cling to!). It’s about choosing a path that’s constructive, not destructive.

The work is hard to do on your own and almost Herculean if you’re doing it in the face of a destructive partner. That has happened here and there, but thankfully it’s not the norm. It’s an outlier. A destructive, nasty, insecurity inducing outlier.

After one particular situation where Stephen was destructive or really more insecure in his own way, as I saw it — I explained the work. I shared that it took a lot for me to view things in a positive way in the face of his destructiveness. I explained that what I drew upon were all the positive things that outweighed the immediate situation before me. I had to draw those memories around me like a blanket to change my view. I had to hold one after the other like a talisman. Examine each moment where I knew he loved me and showed that overtly. Each of those things added up to allow me a fresh perspective on his bullshit. I was able to see it as just that — bullshit. This is the work. It’s hard AF.

The downside is that every time you use a talisman you weaken it; you need to find fresh moments, strong in the memory of love and not worn thin over time. This is part of his work. Showing me these things overtly and without question.

Faith is not tangible.

I’ve been asked to have faith. Now if you know me at all then you probably know I’ve got faith in very few things. I’ve been a vocal atheist since I was 12… I’m doubtful about anything really. A born skeptic. Faith is something odd and foreign to me. But here I am being asked to have it.

Recently I had to ask for faith from Stephen. But I asked for it with trust as the basis. I wonder the difference aloud. I asked him what he felt the difference was between the two concepts — faith and trust. He said to him they were one in the same. But we both were bothered by the question overall.

He turned to the internet for the crowdsourced definitions of each. Turned out that my unease at faith was well founded. Trust was a more solid construct that humans understand with evidence and examples. Interactions with the world builds your trust in what you can know. While faith is rooted in yourself alone; it’s based on what you cannot know.

My ask for trust meant that I was able to provide evidence of my feelings and beliefs. His ask for faith actually meant trust in the broader, defined terms.

The crowdsourced definitions helped the two of us understand each other and what we were looking for here. We both wanted trust from each other.

Faith be damned.

Anatomy of insecurity…

So… I have mentioned here and a few times that I do not feel very solid in my relationship. I feel as if the place I occupy is tenuous, at best. I’ve shared this with Stephen a few times to his immediate dismissal. He acted as if that was the end of that. Dismissed.

He was bored at work yesterday and initiated a text exchange with Aimee, like much of last week. Almost daily text exchanges, it would seem. He told me about it when he got home, after the exchanges took place.

Now last week I asked for immediate transparency. I was hurt when he told me well after the interaction and that even though he was in the office, I really did want to be ‘in the know’ about this type of exchange as soon as possible. I explained things were fresh and we needed to build trust on this point; he understood and agreed to have a sense of immediacy.

Back to last night… I felt a touch betrayed by the fact that his understanding of immediacy was now different from just last week. I was also concerned that almost daily text exchanges were well outside of how he typically interacts with friends and family. I shared these concerns. He got annoyed.

So here we both were – me feeling unsure of my place around Aimee and him feeling annoyed and probably angry. He decides – fuck it, and decided to go on a walk. He asked me if I’d like to join him… I say ok, since I think we have some things to work out and talk about. He goes to the store and buys smokes. He smokes one, walking along and saying little. (I’m not saying much, either…)

We get to the park and he jumps up on a ledge and starts walking along. I asked him to please get down and wait two beats. He doesn’t, so I thought – I don’t need to be scared he will injure himself, too. I should just go home. Queue more arguing. Phone thrown across the park — as if that is the root of his relationship with Aimee. I saw it as a temper tantrum.

I walked home. I’m feeling like I want to self-destruct, too and words about being worthless and not a priority to him circle my head. I get back to the house and decide the same as him – fuck it. I head to the car and text my mom, who had asked how things were going earlier that day. I tried to call her back, but she was already asleep… I sat in the car and thought about how screwed up everything got in just a few hours.

I also recalled that in an exchange with Aimee we spoke about transparency. I decided that she was due the knowledge of how this friendship was exceeding the bounds I was comfortable with; I texted her. I admitted she was an unwitting participant in something that made me uncomfortable, but it was important for me to share where I was at with things. I then stopped my self-destruct meltdown and went home and painted. Focused on things that brought me a modicum of happiness, accomplishment.

Enter Stephen’s return… suffice to say, and in the interest of readers everywhere, I’ll summarize. He was annoyed, then pissed WAY off that I had over stepped my bounds by texting Aimee. Queue drinking on his part, on an empty stomach no less. I apologized for making him uncomfortable by sharing the issue I had with her, despite having agreement from her that this was fine and expected. We spoke about it a bit more, he seemed to calm down. A few more misunderstandings whereby he assumed the worst about me and my actions. I had to be patient and explain where I was coming from; I tried very hard to not show insult at how he views me. But damn it hurt.

Then he walked the dogs, smoked more and fell into bed after asking me several times if I was awake. I was drifting off, but got woken up by the frequency of the inquiry. I asked if he needed to talk to me, if that was why he incessantly asked about my state of sleep. Nope, just curious.

Since I was now awake I shared what I was feeling with him. I felt spent. I felt my love was abused, taken for granted. My understanding and forgiveness not met in kind but assumed wholly for him alone. I was making sacrifices that were taken and again – unmet in any way. This is not how I see a relationship I wanted to be a part of. I want kindness. He said in his drunken state that he really loved me. He understood what I was saying and agreed. He said I was very wise.

Then he woke up and told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. Again.

Melancholy mirror.

Something that has made itself known again is an emotional mirror that happens in my relationship. This is something that I am unsure about. It exists, but hinders what I can share with my partner.

Here’s how it works… what I feel is mirrored by Stephen quite openly. For example I felt sad last night for a few reasons. (If I’m happy so is he, it works several ways.) But little things had conspired to take my joy from me and make me feel small and inconsequential. Not a priority in my relationship.

It happens. I’m human.

So I shared this feeling after a nice dinner out and followed by popping by a new pub for a drink before we headed home. As we were heading to the car, me feeling safe and in a good spot, I shared that I was sad about a few things. I trusted that I was safe and a priority. I had no idea it wasn’t really safe.

<<BOOM>>

I had detonated something that told Stephen to be sad about my sadness. My safe place was gone by the time we drove home. What was left was Stephen giving up on everything. His own sorrow was heavy and awful and choked everything. He wasn’t enough for me. What he was doing wasn’t worth anything. All the work he put in to date wasn’t ever going to be enough. This is just more of the same… marriage doesn’t change. It’s never going to be enough for me.

It’s hard to set aside your own needs to focus on someone else’s. Especially when they wipe away all the hard work I’ve done. My need for comfort or reassurance set aside. De-prioritized. I needed to dig deep last night and show Stephen he was good enough. I had to reiterate what I saw him doing daily, what I loved always. All the things I poured into a love letter had to be touched on again for him.

Where does that leave me? I just don’t know. He apologized this morning for being dramatic. But I’m still left feeling like less of a priority and more of a burden to him. That’s not a comfortable spot for me.

Not your confidante, dear…

So the saga of the emotional affair is over and the fall out is done. I am at point I can live with, a point that is kind. However, I am not stupid and believe in myself and my relationship. I want to intelligently repair my relationship to a point where it can weather shots taken at it.

I’ve detailed how Aimee had a shadow place in my husbands life, as someone from his past that he had an intimate emotional connection with prior to our relationship beginning. As our connection fell apart these last several years and he pulled away from me, the longing for that connection was felt as she returned to the scene. Then he picked that up as it was before he met me behind my back and did not tailor that connection to fit his current reality — MARRIED. He broke us, broke me. Again, if you want to know more, check out the archives on this blog.

Learning to emotionally surf tricky waves has always been the goal.

When Stephen arrived at my parents house on Christmas Eve, he had a hand up and was overly cautious. I was not welcome with open arms at all. That’s how he is and I have accepted that. He also came armed with a test — the fact that he again reconnected with Aimee and was not planning to remove that connection for me or our marriage. Stop. That’s bullshit, I know. He was wrong, he cannot continue in a wrong manner and be married to me. I listened to what he shared — why he felt he needed the connection. I accepted his apologies and believed his contrition. Then I forgave him for what transpired to date. But the testing stops.

What he is coming to understand and accept is the remaining cost that will be paid going forward. Example… you want to remain friends with her? Fine. However, she is NOT a confidante or a wife or a therapist. She is a friend only. Much like other friends, I would expect to know about general conversations and subjects. Unlike other friends, he agreed to be 100% tranperant about everything to do with her. However, because he shared intimate details about our lives, MY PRIVATE LIFE without my knowledge or consent – that type of sharing will never happen again. If he wants to share his own personal thoughts and feelings with her, he can. But he now understands that while those things are his to give, as his wife – they belong to me first, last and always.

Transparency throughout this particular friendship is the cost.

I have already spoken about sending her a letter to put her in the very uncomfortable spot she made for herself — the other woman. I needed to know she understood what she did wrong. She wrote back that she is ashamed of her behavior and excused herself overall from any future friendship. I am happy she did this, truthfully but I rejected this as an easy way out. I am happier I was able to reach a conclusion with Stephen that he can be friends with her, but he will include me in anything and everything having to do with that friendship for any foreseeable future together.

I’ve always known you keep friends close and enemies closer.

Fears and tears…

There are still triggers for anger and fear that pop up, but we are both in spots where our reactions to these things are calmer overall. Dealt with quickly rather than ignored and festering.

A huge piece of continued unease for me comes from the fact that Stephen is remaining friends with Aimee going forward. So, let’s back up for a moment…

She was a college girlfriend, but mostly his friend by the time I met her and she was nasty and vile to me. (He avoided any conflict, told me she didn’t matter and just let her go her own way versus doing anything about it… see the pattern?) Then she popped back around 10 years later and I was not thrilled. I shared that this made me very uncomfortable and he ceased contact swiftly saying again that she did not matter.

Then she contacted this summer and shit hit the fan. He started sneaking with frequent secret texts and meetings held behind my back. Flirting heavily on both sides, by his own admission. Nothing stopped until I found out.

Instead of immediately opening up fully to me about the extent of what happened, there was a week of further revelations. This emotional affair ended by him telling me he contacted her to say she should leave him alone to focus on his marriage; he deleted all the text exchanges soon as I found them.

Not shockingly — this was a huge, lingering issue that couldn’t be fixed without transparency from him. My angry and desperate requests for transparency were not met with open arms.

When he came to meet me in Northern Michigan, he realized full disclosure was appropriate for any meaningful reconciliation. He shared that she “had a dream about him” and contacted him during our separation. She was a major support for him during that time, along with other friends he also mentioned.

So that was one hell of a first hurdle. Forgive the emotional affair because I understood, yes. Go forward with her in our relationship? Um… not truly comfortable with that one.

Cue fears and tears.

But this is not about fear. This is about transparency. So I told him what was hurting. He got stressed and there was a very tense few moments. The peace we reached was fragile and this might end with him leaving alone. A Christmas visit, final good bye before the process of separation moved to phase two.

Then he opened up about what he and Aimee talked about in their recent exchanges. Shared some of her personal and painful experiences with marriage that helped him greatly. Per his own admission she was a part of him being there.

I cannot stress enough that full transparency from us both is needed to build anything new. I need to be “involved” as a third party in their friendship. At least until I better understand where the fuck she’s coming from… and know that she will respect the boundaries I have here. I feel like my trust in his friendship with her is yet to be earned.

Reconciliation ain’t for wusses…

This is not easy, yet it’s easier than I expected in many ways. The easy parts are all coming from the sense of peace and direction I’ve been able to eek out for myself. It’s easy because it doesn’t change no matter the weather, the turbulence I run into. It could, but a strong sense of purpose for myself is instrumental in my self direction.

We are both struggling here or there, but have a clear purpose together. There are some major things we need to break down and rebuild. But both being committed to each other, and each other’s wellbeing is a good place to land.

Exoskeletons, romantic gestures and opinions…

One of the most touching and dare I say romantic things Stephen shared with me was his own struggle with the separation and plans he spun up in his head to come to me or contact me in some way. However, I’m glad he did not execute any of these plans. Not for the reasons people told him… for other reasons. My own reasons; the ones that matter to me.

People said to stay away and leave me alone, I had made my choice. That’s not wrong, I did. But it’s not emotionally right. You have to layer in the fear and anger and feelings of abandonment I was struggling through, both hyper-recently and for years. The lack of interest in fixing anything I felt from him, both real and imagined. (Things that are a little more understandable given my anger and frustration.) And then he tells me he wants out — then yes, I did make a choice to go. The choice I made was respect for what Stephen just told me and reflecting my own feelings and factors I’m not thrilled about. Like my unkind ultimatums.

I accept the fact that I also needed to get out from under the fog I was sitting in, stuck and paralyzed to do anything. Desperate and clawing and panicked and scared and alone but totally still. All kinds of feels.

I’m glad Stephen did not execute the romantic gestures and plans he thought up because it allowed us both space alone. I needed to know that I’m going to be ok. (I didn’t know this until he shared it, but I needed to know he would be ok, too.) I needed to know I could be alone and be good, awesome even. And I know the exoskeleton of my life would be solid and safe again. Quickly and with minimal pain. This is one of those things I’ve already touched on. I learned this, I know this now. I’m not giving that knowledge up for anyone ever. Now or in the future.

My gunky emotional innards? That would have taken more time to heal fully. I would though. I am doubtful I’d quickly feel emotionally safe to open up for a new relationship, if I’m honest with my untold mass of followers. (Hi Mom!)

Right now I don’t know how far I have left to go with the gunky parts. Today I’m happy that Stephen is interested in way-finding together.

Date and time; longitude and latitude.

There are a few recent dates that haven’t receded from my head and I’m working on getting out. I don’t need these anniversaries clogging my head and reminding me of what kicked off this sequence of events that brought me to writing out loud. (I’m mainly trying to focus on the road in front of me.)

So let’s purge…

October 22 was the date I found my husband’s affair. We had been fighting and thinking about ending the relationship seriously for several weeks already. But on that date I broke apart and lost something of myself. Something I gave him 24 years ago and he crushed willingly and knowingly. It was followed by a week of pacification and lies about his actions in the affair, taking further toll on my fragile state and amping up my fears to record heights.

December 13 was the date Stephen told me he didn’t want to be with me. He exercised the opt-out function of our relationship that had been in place for those 24 years. (I had asked that this be done before any type of affair was even contemplated, but that’s not how things unfolded.) I didn’t think I had anything else to break but I did. I was decimated. I crashed. I was done.

Life as I knew it was over. In fact, it still is.

This was followed by me leaving Chicago for Northern Michigan and the first time I started to be kind to myself. I was able to understand what led to the above actions and forgive a lot — but how I’ll deal internally with these anniversaries remains to be seen.

Time is my friend in this. I think, I don’t know for certain. But it’s also the enemy with its dates and record. How to reach an accord in my own mind is the work to be done.

Forgiveness and understanding are vital to whatever comes next.

What does he want from all this?

One of my open, and probably unanswerable questions I have to face is the uncertainty of what Stephen will do differently. That’s something I can’t answer. I shouldn’t even try.

That scares me.

But I have to be brave in the face of fear. I can’t turn to anger, my closest companion and friend of fear. Stephen should be my companion. I am brave and I am kind. I think this will have to be enough for now. One day at a time.

U-turns are legal in Illinois unless directly posted.

So, a bit of a u-turn seems to be happening. I’m heading back to Chicago come Christmas. After speaking with Stephen a few times now, we both think things are at a point where trying again could be the right answer for us both. However, I am taking the reentry slowly and advise him to do the same. Why? Because the independence gained recently is fragile. I’m still working through things, big things. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop.

Things like – what are you going to do differently today and tomorrow? Well, that’s not something I can tell anyone in advance, only when a situation needing a different solution or perspective arises. I can’t tell you RIGHT NOW how I will react to something that may have caused my anger in the future. But I can promise myself that I will always remember what anger does to me… and to my relationship. I can be angry, I know I will be angry at points to come, but I need to pause and think when it shows up. That’s what’s right for me. Stephen can only benefit from that, I believe.

Right now I can take time to think through what I want to bring back to Chicago. I can pick up a few of those plates I was thinking about spinning alone on poles and make sure I know what they are really about. I can assess my priorities (or plates in the analogy) and how to share those in a collaborative way with Stephen. Respectful and taking his opinion into account. A point of concern for me is how to get his opinion. Maybe that’s something to collaborate on, too.

I know I can survive. Next up? How to fucking thrive!

You can’t unlearn something.

Strange and beautiful lily from Cha-am, Thailand

So I spoke with Stephen for over 2 hours and we agreed we both still loved each other. We were also both adamant that things need to be very different for any relationship between the two of us to work. Change is needed on both sides.

My focus is on what I need for me to be happy in a relationship. I need to be involved and accountable for areas I had left solely to him for care and maintenance. I also want to find a new home and focus on that as a near term goal. (Both things that would happen for me in or out of any relationship.)

Something that seemed to cause him lingering concern was the fact that he’d arrived at a spot where he felt ok with being alone. He shared that he struggled with his decision for a while. Thankfully he had support from friends and family and got to a place where he was ok. So then I come along and upset that apple cart. And shit, who knows if I really mean what I say! I’m known for having a way with articulating my points and making this sound simple. All very valid concerns he shared.

All I can say is I’m glad this happened.

Glad for living with pain and suffering I’ve dragged out here for the world to see? Glad I dropped everything and focused on my own growth? Yep. I’m ecstatic that I am ok with being alone. I’m also very happy that Stephen feels that way, too. You can’t unlearn that you can survive.

I also learned that my family and friends care so much about me. I have people that will thrown down to help me up. I have neglected these ties or only put work in when I was needed. What an amazing bit of knowledge to have that people are there and that I can nurture those relationships in both directions.

These are things you can only learn through this awful process of separation. And that’s a gift we’ve given ourselves and maybe even each other. Merry Christmas!