Category: separation

If I’m not worth it to him, am I at least worth it to myself?

There are boundaries in every relationship. Sometimes these boundaries can change, both by who erects them and why, and who challenges them. The boundaries set out for me by Stephen can shift depending on moods and circumstances. This can bring insecurity, since generally my coming close to these boundaries is met by him disconnecting and emotionally distancing himself. Disconnecting makes me insecure in my relationship. I feel unstableness in the connection and unstable in the relationship. No complex analytics needed to follow that one.

There are very few topics I would consider safe or free of boundaries that aren’t just ephemeral and light. If they are heavy or have negative (real or perceived) emotions Stephen has said they “just won’t end well for me.” His boundaries are concretely there for me and oh boy – they can be painful to run into.

But my promise to him was to address those boundaries and anything else calmly and with kindness, even if I feel hurt. Not to shriek in anger, pout, hide my face and cry. Not to hold a silent and anger packed grudge for hours, days and sometime longer. Ok I do yell. I have yelled here or there. Just the other day I screamed incoherently in the car out of pure frustration. I’m not perfect, I’ve fucked up some times. But I admit it. Both in the moment (or soon thereafter) and here and now.

So I shared that my boundary shifted Friday and he first exploded at me. It settled after a few hours and some decent and constructive conversation. Then the next morning he woke up at 6:30 was silently angry and me most of the morning. Not overtly pouting or slamming things like the previous afternoon, but he was down overall. He didn’t try to see me and how much I needed his support. How he needed to dig deep in himself to give me what I now need.

So, what I know is this … everything I give to him is welcomely received. Calmness. Kindness. Admitting when I make a mistake as many times as needed. When I ask for the same in return it is not openly given, but met with passive aggressive hostility and sometimes lies.

My question now becomes should I be bound to someone who doesn’t feel the same about me? And should I continue to be patient and wait for him to catch up?

I think he is worth it. Is it worth it to him?

Love and know thyself…

I’ve been thinking a lot about my expectations and needs around emotional support… but I’m trying to do this thinking with more transparency. Transparency between my partner and myself. Doesn’t always work when any need for emotional support that I bring up is met with “old marriage” bias by my partner.

I need someone interested in building something that can weather storms and be flexible to last a lifetime. Not something that’s a mask we put on for ourselves and others. I want the ugly. I want the beautiful. I want the painful. I want the joyous. I want it all.

I want my partner to want the same. If he doesn’t… then it really doesn’t matter what I want, does it?

What does he want from all this?

One of my open, and probably unanswerable questions I have to face is the uncertainty of what Stephen will do differently. That’s something I can’t answer. I shouldn’t even try.

That scares me.

But I have to be brave in the face of fear. I can’t turn to anger, my closest companion and friend of fear. Stephen should be my companion. I am brave and I am kind. I think this will have to be enough for now. One day at a time.

U-turns are legal in Illinois unless directly posted.

So, a bit of a u-turn seems to be happening. I’m heading back to Chicago come Christmas.  After speaking with Stephen a few times now, we both think things are at a point where trying again could be the right answer for us both.  However, I am taking the reentry slowly and advise him to do the same. Why?  Because the independence gained recently is fragile. I’m still working through things, big things. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop. 

Things like – what are you going to do differently today and tomorrow? Well, that’s not something I can tell anyone in advance, only when a situation needing a different solution or perspective arises. I can’t tell you RIGHT NOW how I will react to something that may have caused my anger in the future. But I can promise myself that I will always remember what anger does to me… and to my relationship.  I can be angry, I know I will be angry at points to come, but I need to pause and think when it shows up. That’s what’s right for me.  Stephen can only benefit from that, I believe.  

Right now I can take time to think through what I want to bring back to Chicago. I can pick up a few of those plates I was thinking about spinning alone on poles and make sure I know what they are really about. I can assess my priorities (or plates in the analogy) and how to share those in a collaborative way with Stephen. Respectful and taking his opinion into account. A point of concern for me is how to get his opinion. Maybe that’s something to collaborate on, too.

I know I can survive.  Next up?  How to fucking thrive!

Well… I did something that might be stupid or it might bring me joy.

So I wrote my husband a love letter detailing all the things I love about him.  HIM.  Not some concept of a husband.  Not things I wanted or things I needed.  I detailed some things he brought to the relationship that I now understand were unappreciated and unheard by me. Unfiltered and without any reservations or requirements of him. 

He texted and asked me to tea. (We both quit coffee a short time ago, we aren’t that proper!) Since I am about 6+ hours away from Chicago and he’s there and working, we are speaking tonight. Not face to face as he asked but it’s something.

I am hopeful for the future. I’m not going to make demands; I have always made demands.  I’ve been very demanding in our relationship but I’m prepared give and understand instead. Novel idea for me but more kind and more in line with who I want to be.  And that’s hopeful regardless of the outcome. 

I am going into this evening from a place of love and kindness. Let that be my guide.

Regardless of the outcome, writing out my feelings in a public arena like a blog is scary but I am going to keep going here. This process here over the single week alone has helped me more than anything so far. Being vulnerable is hard but being accountable is what I need here.

Crying is a way to metabolize loss…

My sadness ebbs and flows, and these last 24 have been overwhelming. Silent tears as I sat in the window just staring.

My mom asked if reconciliation was an option and that made me pause. Yes I want that, of course I do. I love that man with everything I have in me. (Not just having a person of my own, but I love Stephen.)

However, any reconciliation not likely unless I change. I need to approach things differently. I’m still clinging to the fantasies and dreams. Until I have the space to grieve and do a full postmortem there is no possibility of me asking for any consideration.

That also gives Stephen the time to assess things and come to a certain amount of clarity. Last week he was clear that he rejected me and what I brought to the marriage. Will he do the same if I bring something else? If I’m able or forgive myself and him for our past? I don’t know the answer to that and will not in my current state.

In the meantime it’s just one step at a time. One day, one minute, one second. That’s all I can manage right now. Second by second. Tear by silent tear.

At a loss for words…

Jenny Holzer exhibit at the Tate Modern.

I find myself going under.  I’m drowning in emotions and sadness and I don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to miss someone who doesn’t want you anymore. It’s so hard to love someone who doesn’t love you. It’s so hard to want someone who doesn’t want you. I’m sitting here trying desperately to love myself and move forward but tonight it’s just not working. 

I’m walking streets where we walked. Going places I’ve only been with Stephen at my side. It hurts so much right now. I’m so damned vulnerable and scared.

All my family and friends are wonderful, yes. But they are not my partner, my Esteban. The man who did a thousand little things for me to make me happy. The man who threw me away. It’s hard to be out of the fog and drop kicked into reality without him.

I just miss him.