Sometimes doing what you think is best feels really bad. It’s hard to face doing things that are difficult. I know what I want long term and I’m able to visualize the best outcomes coming from all this work. It’s the actual climbing of the mountains in between your current state and the potential outcomes that are difficult. Challenging is not strong enough of a sentiment.
That’s a whole lot of nonsense I’ve written right there, eh?
Practical application is this… I wrote a letter to the “other woman” involved in my husbands emotional affair. I told her exactly why she was persona non grata for years, how her behavior was seen and how it impacted us. It was a bit of a smack down, yes. I can honestly admit that to my readers here, my husband and most important — myself.
I wrote it as an exercise to purge the events in chronological order, organizing my thoughts around these events. Then I sat on it. I read it aloud to Stephen, first draft. Sent him an email copy of the second draft. Then shared how the final draft looked after I sent it. He saw the whole process. Transparency was important here.
I just pulled the trigger today and emailed her. Something that took me forever to write, to refine to just the right tone and words. I got three words back. “Absolutely. Best wishes.”
There are still triggers for anger and fear that pop up, but we are both in spots where our reactions to these things are calmer overall. Dealt with quickly rather than ignored and festering.
A huge piece of continued unease for me comes from the fact that Stephen is remaining friends with Aimee going forward. So, let’s back up for a moment…
She was a college girlfriend, but mostly his friend by the time I met her and she was nasty and vile to me. (He avoided any conflict, told me she didn’t matter and just let her go her own way versus doing anything about it… see the pattern?) Then she popped back around 10 years later and I was not thrilled. I shared that this made me very uncomfortable and he ceased contact swiftly saying again that she did not matter.
Then she contacted this summer and shit hit the fan. He started sneaking with frequent secret texts and meetings held behind my back. Flirting heavily on both sides, by his own admission. Nothing stopped until I found out.
Instead of immediately opening up fully to me about the extent of what happened, there was a week of further revelations. This emotional affair ended by him telling me he contacted her to say she should leave him alone to focus on his marriage; he deleted all the text exchanges soon as I found them.
Not shockingly — this was a huge, lingering issue that couldn’t be fixed without transparency from him. My angry and desperate requests for transparency were not met with open arms.
When he came to meet me in Northern Michigan, he realized full disclosure was appropriate for any meaningful reconciliation. He shared that she “had a dream about him” and contacted him during our separation. She was a major support for him during that time, along with other friends he also mentioned.
So that was one hell of a first hurdle. Forgive the emotional affair because I understood, yes. Go forward with her in our relationship? Um… not truly comfortable with that one.
Cue fears and tears.
But this is not about fear. This is about transparency. So I told him what was hurting. He got stressed and there was a very tense few moments. The peace we reached was fragile and this might end with him leaving alone. A Christmas visit, final good bye before the process of separation moved to phase two.
Then he opened up about what he and Aimee talked about in their recent exchanges. Shared some of her personal and painful experiences with marriage that helped him greatly. Per his own admission she was a part of him being there.
I cannot stress enough that full transparency from us both is needed to build anything new. I need to be “involved” as a third party in their friendship. At least until I better understand where the fuck she’s coming from… and know that she will respect the boundaries I have here. I feel like my trust in his friendship with her is yet to be earned.
This is not easy, yet it’s easier than I expected in many ways. The easy parts are all coming from the sense of peace and direction I’ve been able to eek out for myself. It’s easy because it doesn’t change no matter the weather, the turbulence I run into. It could, but a strong sense of purpose for myself is instrumental in my self direction.
We are both struggling here or there, but have a clear purpose together. There are some major things we need to break down and rebuild. But both being committed to each other, and each other’s wellbeing is a good place to land.
Something I encountered as I started to open up with friends and family was a level of incredulousness at the fact that Stephen and I were not the perfect couple. We had masks we wore and we played our part for others very well. Too well.
But something was rotten in the state of Denmark.
Holding a facade together with such tightness and skill took a lot from both of us. I’m sure he would agree. But the work we put into keeping up the facade took so much energy that there was little left to fix the foundational issues. What was left was the artifices of a relationship.
A while back, Stephen expressed interest in putting work in fixing the facade as a priority. I was interested in putting in the work to the foundation only. We were at cross purposes entirely, both righteous and looking out for what we thought was best.
Turns out we needed to demolish the whole damned structure; maybe now we pull out anything salvageable. Then we decide if we want to rebuild something all together new, and if we include the salvaged pieces from the last 21 years. I think and believe that’s the right path forward.
My mother-in-law cannot stand me and I’m fine with that. One of my sister-in-laws follows suit and there’s a part of me that finds that better than fine, gleeful at her dislike comes to mind. But that’s not kind, so apologies to my readership. Let’s just set her aside, she’s irrelevant really.
The dislike from my mother-in-law started when I first met Stephen over 20 years ago. A series of events, telling outright lies about my relationship with Stephen and passive aggressive scuffles over years — all underpinned with continuous resentment at “taking her son away” — made for super fun times together with his family. I could write things about her behavior that would make most people’s toes curl. (I’ve horrified people with her exploits, trust me.)
But she is not my problem to solve. It is her responsibility to deal with her feelings and results from her actions. If she wants to stew and lie and share intimate details her son opened up to her about, she can and has proven she will.
My feelings for her now are simply that she’s the mother of my husband and he is welcome to bring whatever he would like from his family dynamics to his and my future relationship. I have always brought things from my family to our relationship. Some he may have even found annoying to deal with, I bet.
If he were close to her, I would deal with her blatant disrespect more. I would have to, it’s just who I am. But as it stands, she hadn’t been a frequent issue except to occasionally highlight that Stephen would let the disrespect to his wife stand, but he avoids conflict at every turn. This is not a new action or isolated issue. He does that. I love him, faults and all.
I would stand up for myself if I needed to at this point in my life, no worries there. I’m not a 22 year old who is trying to make my way in a new relationship or marriage. I’m solid in who I am and in what bullshit I’ll put up with from anyone.
The concern and reason for open contemplation here is the burden Stephen feels from the strife and the toll it’s taken on our relationship. I’ve been vocal about how her disrespect hurt me over the years, how I could not believe someone of her age and a mother would behave in such a ridiculous and immature manner. That’s not something he needs added to his own plate by me. It’s his mother – so how he deals with it is up to him.
But since he shared our separation with her, things are heating up for him. Throw in contemplating reconciliation and she’s not going to go quietly. She’s also not going to be happy overall and possibly in the future with me there. Unfortunately Stephen will have to deal with most of the fall out on that end.
My empathy goes out to him, but my actions are to remain calm and out of it. Unless he needs and asks for my help. Or a shoulder to lean on. Whatever. Those things I will give freely and kindly.
One of the most touching and dare I say romantic things Stephen shared with me was his own struggle with the separation and plans he spun up in his head to come to me or contact me in some way. However, I’m glad he did not execute any of these plans. Not for the reasons people told him… for other reasons. My own reasons; the ones that matter to me.
People said to stay away and leave me alone, I had made my choice. That’s not wrong, I did. But it’s not emotionally right. You have to layer in the fear and anger and feelings of abandonment I was struggling through, both hyper-recently and for years. The lack of interest in fixing anything I felt from him, both real and imagined. (Things that are a little more understandable given my anger and frustration.) And then he tells me he wants out — then yes, I did make a choice to go. The choice I made was respect for what Stephen just told me and reflecting my own feelings and factors I’m not thrilled about. Like my unkind ultimatums.
I accept the fact that I also needed to get out from under the fog I was sitting in, stuck and paralyzed to do anything. Desperate and clawing and panicked and scared and alone but totally still. All kinds of feels.
I’m glad Stephen did not execute the romantic gestures and plans he thought up because it allowed us both space alone. I needed to know that I’m going to be ok. (I didn’t know this until he shared it, but I needed to know he would be ok, too.) I needed to know I could be alone and be good, awesome even. And I know the exoskeleton of my life would be solid and safe again. Quickly and with minimal pain. This is one of those things I’ve already touched on. I learned this, I know this now. I’m not giving that knowledge up for anyone ever. Now or in the future.
My gunky emotional innards? That would have taken more time to heal fully. I would though. I am doubtful I’d quickly feel emotionally safe to open up for a new relationship, if I’m honest with my untold mass of followers. (Hi Mom!)
Right now I don’t know how far I have left to go with the gunky parts. Today I’m happy that Stephen is interested in way-finding together.
Sometimes doing what you think is best feels really bad. It’s hard to face doing things that are difficult. I know what I want long term and I’m able to visualize the best outcomes coming from all this work. It’s the actual climbing of the mountains in between your current state and the potential outcomes that are difficult. Challenging is not strong enough of a sentiment.
The girl who mistook her chair as a pulpit for the soles of her shoes 